do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
