Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
