he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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