I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
