I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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