I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
