my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
