remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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