Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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