Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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