drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
