I skipped work to stalk him.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
