We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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