Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
