I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
