So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
