yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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