She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Randomize
