I wish I could teleport
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
