What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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