I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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