please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
