A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
