so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
