Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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