I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
