I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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