I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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