Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
