Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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