WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
