o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
