I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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