Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
