I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
