More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
