Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
