I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
