24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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