Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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