I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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