I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
