He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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