i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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