It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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