I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
