Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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