Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
