do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
