Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
