Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize