I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
