I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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