I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
