Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
